Have you ever hosted an event only to realize afterward that you barely connected with your guests? Or have you wondered about the difference between hospitality vs hosting—finding yourself consumed by the tasks of hosting but missing out on the meaningful connections that hospitality can bring? Or perhaps you dread hosting altogether?
That was me for years. I was so consumed by the performance of hosting that I forgot about the heart of hospitality. However, over time, I’ve learned that these two concepts—hosting and hospitality—while intertwined, are not the same. Hosting focuses on planning events; hospitality focuses on creating connections. While they overlap, balancing both is the key to meaningful gatherings.
I am a work in progress, but I feel I have learned a few things along the way and want to share part of that journey with you here. Let’s explore the differences, similarities, and how to find harmony between hospitality vs. hosting.
When Hosting Misses the Mark
The idea of hosting is a fun one. Being able to plan a menu, create an atmosphere and be praised for your efforts all sounds fun, until stress starts to build up because you have committed to too many details and soon no one is having fun as the event comes closer.
Hosting involves planning, organizing, and executing an event. It’s about logistics—setting a date, sending invitations, preparing food, and arranging decor. Each of these things are fine in their own right, but when the focus shifts to the details and you lose sight as to why you are hosting, all the planning becomes stressful.
In in my case, to be completely honest and vulnerable (with both you and myself), the goal wasn’t to connect, but rather an effort to gain attention in a superficial way. I was playing hostess and needed the validation that I thought it brought me to present an event that I clearly worked hard on. Any event I hosted was really just about me and prevented me from connecting to people that came to my home.
By shifting my mindset to truly focus on my guests it became easy to be hospitable and the details were no longer a source of stress. I could relax and so could my guests. I am able to create an atmosphere of peace and joy, rather than making it about myself.
Heart of Hospitality
When I realized the error of my ways, my mindset began to shift. I became less determined to present a “perfect home” and more focused on connecting and being present when I had guests. I also realized that my hospitality does not need to be limited to people outside of my home, but rather a daily practice that should be extended to my spouse and children.
Hospitality is about the heart behind the event. It’s the act of making others feel welcome and cared for, whether they’re a guest at your table or a family member walking through the door.
With a mindset of perfection, you are unable to connect to anyone or anything, and your efforts become striving and striving is stressful. When connection and authenticity becomes the goal of your efforts, so much of what you strived for becomes effortless.
Whenever you know someone is coming over and you start to feel a sense of “is everything in place” take a minute to center yourself. Sure, the laundry isn’t folded and there are toys that are not put away, but that shouldn’t be your focus. Remember that your home can be a source of peace and comfort when you are focused on who is in front of you.
Now, let’s compare hosting vs hospitality.
Hospitality vs. Hosting – Where Connection and Preparation Meet
Hosting provides a framework: an invitation, a setting, a plan. It’s when you get caught up in the details you forget the reason you’re hosting. Hosting should always be fun – for you and your guests.
Hospitality breathes life into the event and prioritizes the guest and not the plan. This is where hosting and hospitality overlap. I am all about a plan, but I am not all about stress. Hospitality aligns your desire to connect with others, while giving them an experience that you want them to remember.
Use your hosting framework as a place to start, but also allow yourself the flexibility and freedom to add in details, or simplify as needed. If you start to feel overwhelmed, begin eliminating items from the long list (that only exists in your mind, no one else’s) of to-do’s and recalibrate to return your focus on the guest(s).
Hospitality and Hosting in Action
Being able to plan an event that is relatively stress free is not as hard as it sounds. I have hosted close to 100 people before with very little effort or stress. One of the ways that I accomplish this is to get my guests involved.
By allowing guests to participate in the event, you have instantly brought in a sense of connection. Guests can bring a food item, come a little bit early and help set up, stay a little later and help clean up. These are all ways that you can start a connection with your guests.
Asking a guest to help with something, seems counterintuitive to hosting in the first place, and you would be right. But, if your goal is to connect, stay honest, and humble and ask for help. This creates a quick and meaningful connection with your guests. Not only can connection begin in this way, but it also gives a sense of ownership to the guest that should be shared.
Recently I hosted a Christmas party for some moms that I just wanted to love on and give them a little mom break. I started by sending out a text message asking what our theme should be. That’s right! I put the vote right into their hands. I gave them two options on a theme and a menu. Once all of the votes were in, I sent out the details and how they could help.
The party was a great success! This experience reminded me how shared ownership creates a more relaxed, connected atmosphere. Consider inviting your guests into the process—it’s not just about lightening your load but about building bonds.
Be Humble – Ask for Help
Opening up my home to others always comes with some amount of preparation. Sometimes it’s as simple as brewing coffee, but often it involves more responsibilities. I never shy away from giving others an opportunity to pitch in.
I like to give others the option to take part in the event or to decline of their own free will. This way, I have not passed up an opportunity to connect with someone in a way that is meaningful for both them and me.
Also, I NEVER expect that someone WILL help, so that I don’t become disappointed if no one is able to help. By balancing my expectations with the responsibilities of an event, I am able to execute hosting any number of people in my home almost effortlessly.
Hospitable Home
Once I realized that my hosting skills were more about me than others, I realized that this mindset had spilled over into my home as well. This awakening gave me the jolt I needed to make the changes necessary to start being hospitable to my own family.
As a wife and mother you would think that this would come easy, but for me, I needed to be more intentional about how I responded to my family and making them always feel comfortable and welcome in their own home.
One thing that was very simple, but made a very big difference in my interactions, was greeting my family. My husband pointed out to me that I did not often greet others when they come into a room. I knew that I did this, but I didn’t realize that it was causing internal space to be widened between my family and I.
I started taking notice of my actions more carefully and being intentional about greeting my family as they would come into a room. Before, I would generally acknowledge them by asking a question or giving them a task to accomplish. When I shifted to greeting them and then moved into giving direction or asking a question, I was able to engage in a more positive way.
I am not perfect at this yet, but making small positive changes can bring big impact to any home.
Connecting not Perfecting
At the heart of both hosting and hospitality lies the desire to welcome others into our lives. Hosting provides the framework, but hospitality fills it with warmth and meaning. Whether you’re planning a grand event or simply sharing a meal with your family, the key is to focus on connection over perfection. Because in the end, it’s not about the details—it’s about the people.
So next time you host, remember: it’s not about creating the perfect event; it’s about creating meaningful moments. Start small—focus on one connection, one gesture, and watch how hospitality transforms your space.
Do you have some hospitality advice or experience that you would like to share? If so, leave it in the comments below and we can glean from one another.
